Vulnerability

I’ve read through my last 4 or 5 posts, and my journal, and been really awed by the ways God has been blessing me recently. I’ve decided to share with you some things that I’ve held close and not shared with many people, some I haven’t shared at all. I hope they serve as encouragement to you.


House: ‘CSI with live people

For those who don’t know about my housing situation for next year, suffice it to say it has not been the smoothest ride and is still slightly up in the air in one area, but I decided before it even began that I would not get worked up, or stressed, but trust God completely with it. It has been nowhere near as easy finding a house – and housemates – as last year, but I think that every bump in the road was another opportunity for God to bless me and smooth it out. My faith in Him has just grown so much through every new testing situation, and I think He’s totally digging all the thanks and praise I’m throwing His way each time! It’s also been a great prompt to start praying for the improbable.

Friends – a bit naff now.

I think I’ve learnt more about myself through my interactions with others than I ever would sitting by myself in a room. I’m not a very sociable person, but when I do get to know someone really well I kind of… get slightly attached, but in that God has started to reveal to me my flaws and what I need to work on. One thing is that I have a deeply ingrained tendency to depend on others for my self-worth and acknowledgement, and haven’t actually got that high a self-esteem as some might imagine. God is really working through that with me to come to depend on Him instead for those things. Wonderful God – why spend time on me?

Worship

I’ve been really blessed in terms of my timetable with being able to spen d alot more time working on my worship sets, and also practising guitar and improving my playing. It’s not really noticeable, I’m sure, but maybe there’s some change there. I have not been entirely consistent in my worship sets, but I was listening to a worshipcentral podcast (recommend) where one guy said that the whole point of being a worship leader was enabling people to become who they were created by God to be: creations of worship. This was a comfort, and I really held on to that when thinking of songs. My prayer is that no matter what your surroundings are, you feel free to be transformed into that likeness.

Prayer

God is incredible. Even now, I can’t really communicate what I’m feeling – it’s just awe. So many of my prayers have been answered, and it’s been such an incredible transformation of my previous prayer life that I guess I’ve been sending up as many prayers as I can before the ‘streak’ ends. Seriously, though, its been such an encouragement. *This* is Christianity. Well – once I get the mission sorted. Spending time with God is not the chore that it has been, but mostly a really rejuvenating time. Really blessing.

The Mission: Classic De Niro

God has been using the occasional sermon and talk over the past few weeks to push me further and further out of my ‘good Christian’ zone. It’s not enough, and it never was, but I never felt so… ashamed about it. Today, Bert’s talk on love struck me to the core. I was physically nauseous and my hands were shaking with nerves – I was terrified. I’ve never really experienced anything like that before, and usually when the call to prayer is given I don’t go up – this time I was afraid to stay in my seat. God laid out an ultimatum and I was as terrified to accept as I was to decline. I’m not ready to reveal it, a blog is a very impersonal thing, and I’m still praying and wresling with it all even now, holding Joshua 1 close by.

I hope that you’ve been encouraged, and that the small revelations from my generally closed up and hidden self have played a part in that. I pray that God will continue to challenge me and soften my spirit to His voice.

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