I am a wanderer. I am unsettled. My home has never been a place: I suppose this is a result of moving a lot when I was younger, but it is also a reflection of how I am.
I am a drifter. Throughout my school years there was never a single group of friends that I felt particularly close to, and I would never be with the same people all the time. Apart from sixth form, I never hung out with anyone outside of school. I was content to be at home by myself. And it wasn’t really until sixth form I formed any resemblance of a close relationship with anyone unrelated.
The places I call home are the moments when I am at perfect peace with another person, and we have shared out hearts and sat before Christ’s throne together. Times like these are not often, but they are a comfort and a strengthener of my soul, and an uplifter of my heart. Life is a battle, it is true, and moments like these are gentle respites in the war.
These friendships are also rare. I don’t often open my heart to others. This is not through mistrust or lack of the right people, but because I never instigate it. I’m uncomfortable with opening up with others because I don’t know what to say. And when others share their hearts, it isn’t out of my own strength or experience that I pray, but Christ’s.
I realised this all after reading a book. It nearly made me cry, as it brought forth so many relevant scenarios. It acknowledged the way I am and said it was good. God made me a certain way.
I suppose I have always held a certain ideal of how a Christian woman should be, or how I wanted to be. I didn’t want to be the emotionally awkward, relationally – challenged and aggressive person that I saw myself as. I wanted to be a graceful, confident, soft, kind-hearted woman. And in some ways I am, but God revealed to me some things:
Women are warriors. While we may not go out in battle, we are fiercely protective of the ones we love. We will defend others in their weaknesses, through our prayers and our actions. God didn’t make women to be defenceless, needy people; rather, they are to be strengtheners and encouragements for others.
God is teaching me many things. My prayer right now, is that He reveals His love to me. Not through His past actions, but rather in the present. God is not just a God of the Bible, but “I Am,” the God of now and forever.